Project 365: Day 267 — Rebel
The few of you who read my posts regularly, know by now that I’m a loner. I don’t trust people easily, but when I do, I do so with all my heart and so, when someone breaks that trust, it makes it a very bitter experience for me. I’ve toughened up over time, but it happens to me every now and then.
The last time it happened to me was last year. Someone I loved too much, probably too much for my own good gave up on me, made choices for the what they thought was the greater good. I chose myself because that good wasn’t about me, and selfish as I was made out to be then, as I probably am seen even now, it makes me happy that I was true to myself rather than trying to make everyone else but myself happy. I’ve never been good at that.
Without wanting to sound pompous, I know I’m an unconventional person, I’ve often rebelled against norms, fought age-old bullshit that masquerades as tradition and continue to challenge norms that threaten to interfere with my life. I truly believe in ‘My Life, My Rules’. In all honesty, we have one life, with a limited lifespan of 60 maybe, I’d like to live my way — not after X, Y and Z see my point of view, but now — because I see sense in my ways of functioning. As a result, I’ve managed to alienate a lot of people in my space — mostly family. To give you some context, where I come from, women can have a point of view but not when it comes to factors such as a living environment, managing finances without seeking help, functioning independently, marriage decisions — decisions where a real point of view is required. I’m okay with a ‘to each, his own’ mindset. But I feel threatened when this fight comes to my doorstep. My own parents have raised me to be a strong, independent person and sometimes, even they expect me to confine to these ways because that’s how the society they live in functions. I think I’m seen as a rebel because I have a low threshold of tolerance for bullshit.
I cannot stand for ideals that put a muzzle on free thought in the name of tradition. And no matter how nicely it is put, I have a knack for cutting through the crap, and seeing the reality for what it is. Which is why it took me a while when someone I loved and trusted did so. It is easy to take on a garb of being progressive while still catering to regressive ideas in the name of tradition. I don’t judge people for the hurt they cause sometimes, because
a. I get where they come from once I manage to uncover their motivations — archaic thinking is more deep-rooted than our wildest imaginations
b. Everyone has their own demons to face. Theirs is society. ‘What will people say!’ is the most oft-heard phrase I’ve come across from all quarters. The thing is, you’re only as accountable to society as you let yourself be. My demons? Probably, my conscience. If it isn’t clear, I can’t rest easy.
In my anger, I know I’m very capable of destroying equations, even people with my words and actions. It’s not something I’m proud of but it rears its head every now and then. It’s not rage, it’s me tearing off the muzzle I’m expected to wear and just sit around waiting for my life to be led to its destiny, like a horse to a stable. I’m no stable horse. I think I was born wild.
In situations where I tire of rebelling and struggling to make myself heard, I walk away. I walk away and by walking away I cut off access to the most important power I had given the other person — my presence. I’ve realized that walking away makes the other person powerless or helpless. You can’t scream into a void and hear anything but an echo. The funny thing is, until you walk away, you feel like you were the one screaming into a void. Walking away helps you think for yourself again.
Self-love is often perceived as selfishness, but even if it is, I’d advise you to hang on to it. Self-love and self-preservation is what gets us out of shit. It always kicks in if you’ve invested enough in yourself. Let them call you selfish. They’ll never get you anyway. You’re the person in the mirror you have to answer to. And if you’ve invested enough in your relationships, you’ll always have someone to watch your back. I know I have friends who’ve watched over me all these months, talking me through every ounce of pain I’ve experienced. To them I’ll always be grateful for being as supportive as they are. Without friendship, we are terribly bankrupt souls.
I’ll end with two lines, apt for this post.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
That’s it for today! Thanks for reading!
